What I really want
by Victory87
Summary: What do you want? I don't know, I promess Bella I don't know.


Challenge fic, prompt: What do you want? I want no to want him/her from the forum howgarts online II thank to inkfire my beta

I'm crying once again, why? Honestly I can't tell one and only one reason, there are so many things going wrong in my life... I am a pure blood, in my veins are running those two words, _Toujours pur_, they should be the very core of my life, but they're not, I'm not like that... not for now... Plus I am not in the right house, I am a Gryffindor, not a vile Slytherin.

I am drying my tears when I hear the door of the toilet open, it's my sister Bellatrix... We look much like one another, but the physical likeness is all that we have in common. Like everyday she looks like a crazy witch, she has a special kind of beauty, that's true, but she is so mad... it scares me, most of the time. I won't show her any weakness.

"What a surprise Bella," I say calmly.

"For me too Andy."

I am about to leave when she seizes me by the arms. Her dark eyes stare right into mine as though they wanted to scan my soul, I hate this feeling.

"There is something wrong with you, Andy?"

"No, there is nothing wrong with me, Bella."

"Don't be arrogant with me."

"Maybe, but I don't have to answer your question."

"It wasn't a question."

I know what she wants, she wants to talk about Ted, but it's just a boy.

"You know, we are pure-bloods, we don't mix with Mudbloods, talking with a half-blood is understandable if it is really necessary, but that is all, we will never speak with, nor even look at Mudbloods, they don't belong here."

"What are you telling me?"

"I'm telling to be careful of what you do. Understood?"

"..."

"You don't have to agree with me, you have to obey me. I'm older than you, and when our parents are away it is up to me to decide what you can or cannot do. I want to hear it from your lips."

"You don't know how much this is costing me, but I'll do as you want like a good little soldier, okay Bella, you will get what you want. Happy?"

My sister grabs my arm and pulls me against the sink, I see fury in her eyes, I hate her so much, I can't hold back much longer.

"BELLA I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING TOY, AND I'M NOT YOURS! WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!"

People walk in the toilet at that very moment, I take advantage of the occasion to push her off me and run away, she is too shocked to run after me, it is the first time I've ever screamed at her. I know that she will have her revenge, and I know that it will be awful. I hate my life so much.

One single tear is running down my face when I arrive in the common room, and when I finally fall on the bed, I let my tears flow, I don't know how many time I stay lying down like this, maybe one hour, I fall asleep this way, entirely clothed, my face tear-stained.

I wake up in the middle of the night, my friends have closed my curtains, they are so lovely with me, they don't care about my money or my blood. They love me for me and nothing else.

I put on my pyjamas, a simple tee-shirt and a short, and go in the common room. I am thinking about my life again, but this time I don't cry, maybe I have cried all my tears already... I hear something behind me, I see a boy, Ted Tonks, the boy who caused all my pain. I don't love him, no I can't but we've spent time together and he is nice with me, always gentle, the perfect man.

"Having some trouble?"

"No..."

"The girls told me that you had come back in tears, so..."

"So you know..."

"Yes, I know, and I know what you said to Bellatrix."

"Oh... such a shame."

"No it's not, what you did requires a lot of bravery. You must be the first one to have ever screamed at her."

I feel the corner of my lips raise into a little smile. He sits next to me on the couch. We spend a while like this, saying nothing, just staring at the fire.

"You're going to catch a cold, take this."

He gives me a red blanket, he is so sweet with me, so thoughtful...

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm scared..."

He takes my hand.

"I'm scared of what she will do to me."

My tears are flowing again, he puts his arms around me.

"I won't let her touch you."

"She will hurt you without thinking twice about it."

"Honestly, I don't care."

"You are such a good friend."

When saying this I see a flicker of something dark in his eyes, I wonder what it was...

"That's what friends are here for, right?"

"Right."

We spend a while talking about this and that, when I notice the clock it is three in the morning.

"Maybe we should get some sleep before tomorrow.

"Maybe, yes, you know tomorrow is a Saturday, we could go to the lake in the afternoon."

"Yes, we could. So goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I come back to my bed and sleep like a log. When I wake up it is already eleven, I get out of bed as quickly as possible, and go get ready for this afternoon. Oh god, I'm as nervous as a little girl before her first date, her first date with her first boy, even. Andromeda come on, it's only a friend, just be yourself and it will be perfect.

I take all of my friends with me and we go to lunch. I know it's not the right behaviour for a Gryffindor, but Bella isn't just any angry girl, she's Bella and all she wants is to kill me as soon as she can. At that moment I truly don't know how we can possibly be sisters, we are so different, and we don't even really love each other.

I don't see her at lunch, then again I've been careful to have someone go before me and let me know when she's left the Hall and it is safe again. The afternoon comes and it's time to join Ted, we sit close to the lake. I take my shoes off and dip my feet in the water. It is a nice May afternoon, sunny and hot, the weather is truly perfect. We are talking about everything, and we help each other with our homework, it's more fun to do it together. We finish it very quickly and then we can have fun, we laugh a lot, we chatter about stupid things, and I end up standing on a rock without really knowing how, of course I slip, but thankfully Ted catches me before I fall into the water.

My feet touch the ground again, but Ted doesn't let go of me. I find myself staring at his lips, he isn't looking at me the way he was before, instead he seemed almost hypnotized, he leans closer, and then I hear:

"What the fuck are you doing, Andromeda Black?"

I push Ted away, I don't know how to react – what was I going to do? Would I really have kissed him? But he is just a friend, that's all, he is not a pure-blood, it's okay to have him as a friend, but a boyfriend? What would my parents do to me? Would they reject me? Oh my God what was I about to do!

"Don't you ever approach her again! You Mudblood!"

"You don't tell me what to do!"

I see my sister seize her wand, she is going to hurt him.

"Don't hurt him! Ted, just go to our common room, we will talk later, maybe."

"Maybe?"

"Yes, she told you to leave so now leave or I will kill you for good!"

I see him go away, looking furious, I send him a sad glance, but I'm putting my sister before him, the sister I hate. Oh my God what did I do, what am I going to do? I sit down where we lay a few minutes ago.

"What were you about to do? Would you really have kissed him? How could you?"

"Bella I don't know, I don't know what I was about to do. It just..."

"I really hope you regret it."

"Bella, I feel so lost... He is not the right person for me..."

"No he is not, but did you really think about it?"

"No, no, I swear, he is not a pure blood but I feel good with him..."

"Andy, I would have accepted your ravings if it was some half-blood we were talking about, but you almost kissed a Mudblood? Are you mad? I would accept it if he were a pure blood, I'd tell you you can convince him and our parents to let you both be married so it wouldn't be important, but this!"

"Please Bella, try to understand, I don't know what I was about to do! I didn't think!"

"And what if I hadn't come? Would you have kissed him like a Muggle slut?"

"Don't call me a slut!"

"I call you as I want!"

"No, not when everybody knows that you fucked all the Slytherin boys!"

She curses me, making me scream in pain, she finally stops when a teacher comes.

"Why are you screaming like this? What are you doing Bellatrix? To the Headmaster, now! Andromeda, can you go to the Hospital Wing alone?"

"Yes, yes, but it's nothing."

"Go."

I don't go, I don't want our parents to learn about this, of course I want her to pay for what she did to me but if they know they will know about Ted too... I hate my life...

I don't come back to the castle, I walk into the forest instead and sit there, away from everyone, nobody can find me and that's exactly what I want.

I cry again, why is my life so complicated? Why is everyone against me? Sometimes I wish I'd never been born...

Nothing makes sense, I have feelings for him, I have to admit it, I'm a pure blood but I want so badly to have normal blood... Being a half-blood would be perfect, I could have a boyfriend then, I could marry for love, not for blood, I could be free, without an awful sister...

I dry my tears, come back to the common room, I'm hurting like hell all over my body but I don't care. I know I must face Ted, what will I tell him? Sorry but I prefer my family to a little kiss? I don't think about what happened... The only thing I know is that if Bella hadn't come, I would have kissed him.

When I enter the room, he is here, I can't look him in the eye.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, don't worry."

"Do you.."

"No, I don't want to talk about it."

I go to bed with a broken heart.

Days go by and no one sees Bella anymore, everybody thinks she has gone home, but if she had my parents would know about the incident... But it's impossible, they haven't written so... I don't speak to Ted after this day, maybe it is better that way...

And she finally comes back, she finds me in the library.

"You are alone, I see."

"Bella, I thought... Where were you?"

"With mum and daddy..."

"Did you tell them?"

"No, not for now, but answer me, what do you want?"

"I... I want not to want him ."

I don't know why I said that... I lower my eyes, I must admit that I want him, but I don't want to want him. He isn't for me, but in my heart I know that I have feelings for him, he is not the boy I must love though, I will marry a rich pure-blooded man, and not a muggleborn... But I love him, I have thought about it, I admit that fact now, I love him with all my soul, with all my heart.

"What did you say?"

"I said that I want him to be my boyfriend, but I don't want to want it."

"Well I hope you don't!"

"I know I must stop it..."

"Listen to me, I will be very understanding, I know it's your first love interest, so everything is beautiful, he is perfect and all you want, but it must stop! Do you understand?"

"Yes I understand, but how can I stop loving him? Please help me!"

I cry again... but she sits next to me and takes me in her arms.

"I will help you, I promise. You made a mistake, you recognize it, all is not lost."

So she always keeps an eye on me after that day, so that Ted and I never talk again, it is what I wanted, right? I told her I didn't want to want him, but it's too late, I know that I am truly in love, I can't explain it but staying away from him hurts me, and the worst thing is that I know he loves me too.

So one day, weeks after my talk with Bella in the library, I return to the lake, I wonder why, but I know that he will join me here, and if it's not today then it will be another day. I wait for maybe two hours before I hear some noise coming from behind me, it's him, Ted.

"Andy, you have to tell me, what do you want?

"I don't want to want you, but I want it and it's stronger than I am."

"Andy, you know..."

"Yes I know, and you must know that I love you, I want you to be my boyfriend, to take my hand when we're walking together, to make plans and all, I repeat, I don't want to want you, because of my family and all this shit, but it is like it is. What about you? Do you love me?"

My heart aches, I'm blushing, I would never have thought I'd say it one day, but it's done. Waiting for the answer is agonizing.

"Yes... I … I love you too Andy."

And finally we kiss, it's gentle and shy but it's our first kiss and I don't care what I look like, I don't care about my family or Bella, now it is Ted and I that matter, only us.


End file.
